So today is friday the 13th AND there was a full moon. This won't happen again until 2049 and to my luck, I get to enjoy it full force with all my emotions. I think everyone knows I have had a rough oast with my family. It's kind've the whole reason I moved, because I wanted to get away. Well after a year and a half from being away I visited my family. (Father and sister, mother decided to not answer my messages). I ended up repairing my relationship with my father. I don't think i've cried so much in my life. I don't know why I even cried. I just did. I was/am filled with so much stress and anxiety that I can't even control it anymore. On top of that, I had some rough patches with my love that pretty had me on edge thinking that was over. The past few weeks have been rough on me and have definitely taken its toll on me. Saying goodbye to my father was the hardest thing i've had to do. It's easy leaving people you don't get along with but it's never wasy leaving the loved ones. I had a long flight home to think about everything. I've come to the conclusion that I am suffering major anxiety and depression. I feel like I have three ,,homes": one in Florida with my father, one in Stockholm with her and her family and my home in Berlin that i fought for to keep. If I could combine all of these houses into one then i'd probably be fine but I can't, and that's the hard part. I'm stuck with all of these emotions that I cannot even handle. My love came on Tuesday and stayed until this morning. She took care of me and without her i'd me that much more of a wreck. I'm so grateful for her, even if I am not the best at showing it. She deserves to be praised for the hell she went through these past days. I think she has a solid idea of what us men experience through PMS. That's the best way I can describe this all: an extreme case of PMS. Living alone used to be such an excitement, a feeling of independence but now its an eerie room with no one but myself. I've learned to be bitter and hate the silence, why? I don't know. Another major thing going on righr now is my anxiety. It has gotten so bad that I experience almost constant pain, constant worry and minimal sleep. I feel like a dead man walking. I have always had a fear of dying but since a week now it has become an infestation. I cannot properly function anymore. I did not even sleep last night because of my anxiety and depression. I feel like I have hit a dead end and have no more solutions. Today, I made a big step and seeked help. I cannot work for a week now. I have to receive Acupuncture, therapy and natural medicines. I hope I find a solution soon because this is unhealthy and it will kill me. I know it. I miss my father and sister dearly. Theres not a day where I don't wish my love could be with me and I am stuck without both most if the time. I apologize to anyone who reads this and gets annoyed but I needed to vent. I would never wish these pains and feelings on someone. I'm gonna try to make the best of this as I can. I have to go to work now and explain and hope I can keep my job. That's the last thing I need right now.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Cory
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