On a cold, rainy day...

Samstag, den 23. November,

Good morning world,
I stayed home today due to the pains i've been having. Was a risky choice of mine since I am still in the probation period at work but I couldn't go into work and carry and lift for nine hours. Wasn't happening, I have to look out for myself too. Plus, i'm gonna force myself to go tomorrow. I got the chance to catch up on some sleep so I am already feeling much better. I didn't wanna stay home in bed because the pains subside when i am in an upright position so this may sound sad but i've been riding around on trains and buses because I don't have many friends here, and the ones I do have, have no time today or what not. It sounds sad, maybe it is but i'm trying to broaden my friend circle. I ended up texting the ex today asking if she was busy, i caved. I'm an idiot for that. I hope that she doesn't text back because I really miss her right now. She seems to be doing good though, which i'm happy for her. I realized all the things I did wrong. I thought I was the perfect guy but I realized I was quite horrible actually. I always had to be right, she always had to like what I liked but I never liked what she liked, she paid for so much and I never acted truly appreciative although I truly was, I was too controlling, and I simply didn't love her as much as I do love her. So all in all, it really was my fault in the end. I just hope that she finds someone who can love her better than I could. She may have handled the break up wrongly but she truly is an amazing woman and deserves the world. Maybe i'm just being hard on myself, but that's where my mind sits right now. I definitely have my work cut out for me here, but there's nothing I can't handle. A wise boss once told me ,,there is no such thing as a problem, only a solution" and I believe in that deeply. Ok, I feel I have written enough so back to riding around trying to kill time! Hope everyone enjoys their day!

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
   Cory

Haven't seen you guys in a while...

Berlin, den 21. November


    It's been quite a while since I have written on here due to work and what not but I need to vent a little again, so here I am. The past few weeks at work have been incredibly busy because November is our busiest month in my department. So i'll fill you guys in what you may have missed. I don't really have any contact more with my ex. Sometimes I really wanna text her but I have gotten my self control together and learned not to cave in. I was told I have Gallstones, which for my age is pretty rare so waiting for the test results to see what I need to do and what not. The worst of all right now is that I may have to move back to America, because the reality is now that me and her have broken up I cannot finance everything alone and it has been taking a toll on me. I have tried every outlet to get additional funding but I keep coming up dry. Hoping that my father can help me out for the time being so that I don't have to move. Sadly, this isn't a joke and is actually a very serious matter. As much as I may complain about being alone here and what not, I love my life here in Berlin. I have put so much time and effort to get my life going here that I will be devastated if I have to leave. All I can do right now is wait and hope for the best. I will also be without family for the first time ever over the holidays so that has got me a little down in the gutter. I found some other people that will be here without family too and am trying to plan an evening at my place where we can all cook, drink and enjoy the company of one another. We'll see how the development works out. I was seeing someone, kind of, but I got put in the friend zone (which really is no surprise with my luck). A few friends sat me down and told me what my issue was, seems to be that I am honestly too nice and put other people ahead of me and that I need to focus on myself and leave the search alone. Easier said than done but trying to do my best to take the advice. I hate being alone and honestly would just like to have a friend (or more..) be here every once in awhile to watch movies, or cook, or something. That's all. I think most people here tend to forget that I up and left a live 5.000 miles away from here and that I started here with nothing just over a year ago. That is not an easy transition for most people and there comes a lot of lows in the beginning because establishing a life in a city with 4 million people isn't necessarily a walk in the park. I had some friends get really mad at me for all my posts on Facebook and them being depressing, but if they understood all my stress and my situation I am sure they'd see things different, but I didn't say anything. It's hard to live a life focusing on myself when I am lonely, broke, sick, and stressed. I'm working on fixing all of that though, actively. It just takes time I guess and me as an impatient person needs to grasp that. There is a saying in German ,,alles mit der Ruhe'' which roughly translates to ,,with time''. That seems to be my life motto right now. We'll see what the coming weeks bring. I think i've written enough for today. I love to see my readers feedback so feel free to say something. Have a wonderful day world!

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
    Cory

The things I will never understand about myself...

Berlin, den 7. November,

        Good morning or afternoon, which ever you prefer. I have spend the whole morning thinking, for whatever reason, I am always thinking lately. I celebrated my birthday yesterday. To be honest, it wasn't that great. With all the stress right now it's pretty hard to find happiness in anything right now. I mean of course I am happy but as with anyone, we all have our downs. On days like this where I have nothing to do because no one has time, those are the days that lead to thinking. I honestly don't get myself sometimes. I have a great family that I love and miss every day, yet I feel like I don't have a family? I have some friends that for some reason I question if they are my friends? I am single and feel like alone is the way it'll be for me? These are all things that don't add up in my head. I have a pretty good life. I have a good job, my own place in Berlin, and I like to think that I am decent looking. So why is it that I am rarely pleased with my life? I always have this feeling that I am alone and that I am slowly withering away. Let me be clear, I am not suicidal nor am I anywhere near it. I am just in a depression rut and looking for my exit. People say you have to learn to be happy with yourself before you can be happy elsewhere but why is it that no matter what I do, and I have done a lot, that I am never happy alone? I am co-dependent, I know that. For whatever my parents did, I have those issues. I have to live with them. It's just hard to find a woman to stay with me because I take things so serious. I don't want a one night stand anymore. I live in a one night stand city and that makes things complicated. I don't even know how to properly act around a woman anymore. They probably think i'm creepy, but honestly, I have no clue how to communicate with the opposite sex anymore. Since Carley left me, things have been weird. It was better for the both us and I understand but why is it that I feel like I will never find my match? I feel like I am already 30 in my head and always feel like my life is rushing by. I will never understand that side of myself. Theres this woman that I am interested in, but I am trying my best to not fuck it up. I have to debate whether or not to text her or what to respond or something along those lines. That gets exhausting after awhile! I live in a city where it's so ungodly hard to make new friends, so I have no one to go to really for help. I have select friends here but they are either working or I am and I can never meet up with them. I'm sorry if this sounds like I am ranting because I probably am. Sometimes someone just needs to right things out and vent, today that is me.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
   Cory

Hello Mr. Nice Guy...

Berlin, den 4. November

     Good evening folks. It's been a few days since I have been on here but figured I would post something new. Work is quite busy right now, and with all my daily tasks I don't have much time nor energy to write once I am finally home. Todays topic is about the my experiences with women and dating habits. I had a mini debate on my Facebook earlier and got some decent feedback. I have had my own experiences with such situations and have gathered ideas from others. So I will let you guys know my stand on the topic. The age old saying that nice guys finish last is a hoax. I think the trick lies in the first couple weeks of hanging out and dating. I think a woman would be pushed away if the guy is too clingy or too friendly. The woman wants to feel wanted but not smothered. They want to play a game of tug-o-war not tug-and-have. The man needs to make himself seem a bit off limits to the woman. In this time, I think is when most men can be a bit more dickish and get away with it. Only, IF it is within respectful boundaries! After the first couple of weeks are by, THEN do I feel it is then acceptable to be the nice guy. Bear in mind that through all of this you should not be fake in any way, shape or form. We don't want to fall in love with someone just to realize they are not who you think they are. I think there are plenty of people here that have been in that situation, including myself. I feel like the asshole guy would strike gold in the first weeks but that sooner or later the woman would get tired of him and toss him to the side. My personal experiences differ though. I have noticed that when I was a dick that I was able to get more emotional attachment versus when I tried to be genuine. Why that is I will never understand personally. The nice guy is the genuine guy who will truly love you and be there for you, so ladies, don't overlook that guy! I know you want that bad boy image, and want what you cant have but I am positive sooner or later that will get old. You will realize after you've been used for sex a few times and ditched that the asshole is not who you want. Of course, some people learn quicker than others. My advice to you ladies is simple: stop going for what you THINK you want. Stop, take a look around and see if there is someone there who truly loves you. Usually that is the guy you could NEVER imagine being with, but do me the favor and give it a shot. From my experience, those are the relationships with the everlasting love. I have yet to be given such an opportunity to prove myself, and mostly been just hurt, but take it from a guy who has been the asshole and has decided that genuine has way more worth in life. You could not believe how many of my lady friends message me hurt over some asshole that they thought they loved and I know that they have men in their lives that would fly to the moon and back for them. I am one of those guys. I am by no means perfect but I would gladly get up at 3 am for my girlfriend and take care of her if she was sick. When I like someone I would do anything for them! Well, almost anything. I know plenty of guys like me, and we all just sit here like idiots waiting our chance. So ladies, I ask you one favor. Take a second look next time you think you like someone. Don't be afraid to try something new and most important of all: make sure you are happy! That is all for today, I hope everyone enjoys reading this and as always comments are appreciated!

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
    Cory