Freitag, den 29. Mai
So I know I have been slacking with posting as much but life has been quite busy. I, for once, have a bit of free time. This free time got me to thinking a bit about my life. Where i've been, where I am now and of course where i'm going. I feel like I have accomplished a lot up until this point in my life. I mean, there are not many people who are 23 and up and moved half way across the world just to live who then succeeded in finding their own home and establishing a whole new life, right? I think that is something to be proud of. When I talk with people back from the States, they always gawk at my story and say they wish they had the balls or courage to just up and move. Yeah, it wasn't easy but it was worth it. I live a good life I feel. I have family back in Florida, one of the prettiest places on earth, a good job with great work colleagues in Berlin, one of the coolest-hippest cities in the whole world, and a girlfriend from Stockholm, which is simply an amazing city in an amazing country. Which brings me to my dilemma I am facing now: where exactly am I going? My program will be ending the beginning of 2016, my first exams take place in exactly half a year. It is finally hitting me that soon I will need to decide the next steps of my life and that scares me. It really does! I do not know what I want to do with my life. I have always found passion in things and somehow lost it. This has always been a trend for me, not a good one, I know! So now when I finish in the next few months I am faced with a few options. Option 1 is to move back home, where my family is, who I love, miss and adore! My father is my second half from me and he means the world to me! Problem is I do not know what I could really do there? Outside of my family being there, there isn't much else for me there. Most of the friends I had there have left me and kind've gone their own ways. Option 2 is to stay in Berlin, possibly with my current job or another job. The plus to that is I have established the last three years of my life here so I do not have the stress of starting everything new but I don't really have too much here outside of work and home. Option 3 is to move to Stockholm, where my girlfriend wants to move to. I love Stockholm, it is rated in one of the best cities in the world to live. The country is beautiful, they live extremely good lives and everyone is so kind but as always, theres a catch: the job market is insanely tough and I risk not finding work there. The last option would be to explore other cities and see where my opportunities could be, which isn't really so much on my mind but I don't want to be closed minded. If I got offered a job in Paris or London, of course I would consider it. So I have Florida, where I only have my family really then Berlin, where I have my life established but not much more then theres Stockholm, where I have a good support system and my girlfriend but tough job chances. This all kind of overwhelms me because I do not know what really is best for me. I do not know how to find out how! I would be happiest if all three options could all be in one place but sadly that is not the reality of things. I am just curious if other people have these issues of sitting one day and realising they have absolutely no fucking idea what they want to do with their lives or is this just me? I am 23 years old, studying online and working full time here. I think at this age I should have a direction of what I want to proceed in but I don't and that is giving me major anxiety! I have yet to find something that I truly enjoy and can wake up and honestly say I love life. Maybe one of you could help me in figuring this out? Would be awesome because I have run out of ideas and patience on trying to solve this matter. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope you all enjoy your evenings and the rest of your days for my American readers!
Yours truly,
-Cory
Friday, May 29, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Welcome 2015!
Donnerstag, den 1. Januar
Well, we all made it to 2015 (atlas if you're reading this, you did!). I got to spend my new years alone sick with doctors but that's ok because I have had a lot of down time, which I guess is nice. I would like to take the time today to talk about something that has been on my mind for a while now. In the past weeks I have been seeing endless posts on love and romance and such lists that say how love is or should be, so today I am going to give my input on this subject. First off, I find that 98% of those articles put the wrong ideas into the young adults heads. We as the youth (18-25 years) are mentally unstable as is with all the social expectations and realities we are hit with daily. We've become so dependent on other peoples opinions that we've forgotten our own. A list that tells you how to live your life has way more impact than your own opinion does. It's like a poison that flows through our veins without us even knowing. I, myself, am guilty of this also but that's why I am writing this post so that maybe other people can understand the truth about love and emotions and not always follow the herds that believe in these articles and lists. Love is always described as this amazingly, unrealistic feeling. Like walking on clouds or swimming with dolphins. The reality is, thats the feeling of being ,,in love'' but not love itself. Love itself is work, lots and lots of work! Now don't get me wrong, I love my girlfriend dearly and when I say that love is work I do not necessarily imply that it is a negative thing. Being ,,in love'' is a wonderful feeling, you honestly feel like nothing can come between you two but sooner or later that drunken haze will fade away and the reality will set in. This is where things get complicated in our day and age. With social networking, dating websites, the world constantly being more and more connected it is now so simple to find someone else but is that truly the answer? Do we, as young adults, just give up after the ,,in love'' feeling fades? The sad truth is most people do and that hurts to see and hear. The fact is there will be a time in every relationship where routine kicks in, where your partner won't get dressed up but instead long in pyjamas and much much more things of that sort. The trick is to not over think, to live life to its fullest and know what's meant to be will be. When I first started dating my girlfriend I felt like I was moving mountains. The feelings was almost indescribable. We've been together now for nine months and the truth is those butterfly feelings have faded mostly and reality has kicked in. This alarmed me at first but after really sitting back and thinking I realised it was 100% normal and there is nothing more comforting than that of a comfortable relationship that you can simply be you in. We, as young adults, freak out at the first alarming thing in our relationships that we try to run or find something wrong with the relationship but in reality it is as simple as this: If a light bulb burns out in your house, you don't go changing the house because of that now do you? That is an old saying that has a lot of wisdom behind it. I believe centuries ago people fell ,,in love'' (which they had no control over) but had to work to keep that love alive well after the euphoric feelings were over. It is sad that on average we have more divorces than marriages in 2014! So the next time you think there might be something better out there for you, look back and remember why you fell ,,in love'' in the first place. Falling ,,in love'' cannot be forced but staying together can be worked on. I personally don't believe that relationships can't work. If you fell ,,in love'' in the first place, that means something brought you guys together. If you work at it and truly communicate and listen to one another then you'll never grow apart. If you neglect your partner and don't communicate and don't cater to their needs then there will be no need to wonder why your relationship didn't work in the end. We don't need articles or lists to tell us how to love or what is or isn't right in a relationship. All we need is communication and trust in ourselves and in our partners that we can and will achieve all obstacles in our relationships. I see to many people worrying how other people live their relationships and focus too little on their own relationships. I am far from innocent with anything. I could very well be a much better boyfriend and through therapy and self help, I am doing my best to be the best man I can for my girlfriend. My opinions on life have changed drastically in 2014 and I have matured significantly. I am going through a tough time mentally but I have a girlfriend who truly is the best for me. She is far from perfect and has her flaws and works hard everyday to be better for me. My recipe for happiness is as simple as this:
,,If you do your best to be the best for your partner...
and they do the same for you...
then everything else will fall right into place.''
Love is selfless, love is beautiful, love is work!
I hope my thoughts are clear enough that you can understand. I also hope that I do not offend anyone. Now time for me to go back to dying in bed. Enjoy your new years day world!
Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Cory
Well, we all made it to 2015 (atlas if you're reading this, you did!). I got to spend my new years alone sick with doctors but that's ok because I have had a lot of down time, which I guess is nice. I would like to take the time today to talk about something that has been on my mind for a while now. In the past weeks I have been seeing endless posts on love and romance and such lists that say how love is or should be, so today I am going to give my input on this subject. First off, I find that 98% of those articles put the wrong ideas into the young adults heads. We as the youth (18-25 years) are mentally unstable as is with all the social expectations and realities we are hit with daily. We've become so dependent on other peoples opinions that we've forgotten our own. A list that tells you how to live your life has way more impact than your own opinion does. It's like a poison that flows through our veins without us even knowing. I, myself, am guilty of this also but that's why I am writing this post so that maybe other people can understand the truth about love and emotions and not always follow the herds that believe in these articles and lists. Love is always described as this amazingly, unrealistic feeling. Like walking on clouds or swimming with dolphins. The reality is, thats the feeling of being ,,in love'' but not love itself. Love itself is work, lots and lots of work! Now don't get me wrong, I love my girlfriend dearly and when I say that love is work I do not necessarily imply that it is a negative thing. Being ,,in love'' is a wonderful feeling, you honestly feel like nothing can come between you two but sooner or later that drunken haze will fade away and the reality will set in. This is where things get complicated in our day and age. With social networking, dating websites, the world constantly being more and more connected it is now so simple to find someone else but is that truly the answer? Do we, as young adults, just give up after the ,,in love'' feeling fades? The sad truth is most people do and that hurts to see and hear. The fact is there will be a time in every relationship where routine kicks in, where your partner won't get dressed up but instead long in pyjamas and much much more things of that sort. The trick is to not over think, to live life to its fullest and know what's meant to be will be. When I first started dating my girlfriend I felt like I was moving mountains. The feelings was almost indescribable. We've been together now for nine months and the truth is those butterfly feelings have faded mostly and reality has kicked in. This alarmed me at first but after really sitting back and thinking I realised it was 100% normal and there is nothing more comforting than that of a comfortable relationship that you can simply be you in. We, as young adults, freak out at the first alarming thing in our relationships that we try to run or find something wrong with the relationship but in reality it is as simple as this: If a light bulb burns out in your house, you don't go changing the house because of that now do you? That is an old saying that has a lot of wisdom behind it. I believe centuries ago people fell ,,in love'' (which they had no control over) but had to work to keep that love alive well after the euphoric feelings were over. It is sad that on average we have more divorces than marriages in 2014! So the next time you think there might be something better out there for you, look back and remember why you fell ,,in love'' in the first place. Falling ,,in love'' cannot be forced but staying together can be worked on. I personally don't believe that relationships can't work. If you fell ,,in love'' in the first place, that means something brought you guys together. If you work at it and truly communicate and listen to one another then you'll never grow apart. If you neglect your partner and don't communicate and don't cater to their needs then there will be no need to wonder why your relationship didn't work in the end. We don't need articles or lists to tell us how to love or what is or isn't right in a relationship. All we need is communication and trust in ourselves and in our partners that we can and will achieve all obstacles in our relationships. I see to many people worrying how other people live their relationships and focus too little on their own relationships. I am far from innocent with anything. I could very well be a much better boyfriend and through therapy and self help, I am doing my best to be the best man I can for my girlfriend. My opinions on life have changed drastically in 2014 and I have matured significantly. I am going through a tough time mentally but I have a girlfriend who truly is the best for me. She is far from perfect and has her flaws and works hard everyday to be better for me. My recipe for happiness is as simple as this:
,,If you do your best to be the best for your partner...
and they do the same for you...
then everything else will fall right into place.''
Love is selfless, love is beautiful, love is work!
I hope my thoughts are clear enough that you can understand. I also hope that I do not offend anyone. Now time for me to go back to dying in bed. Enjoy your new years day world!
Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Cory
 |
| P.S.- Isn't she gorgeous? :) |
Sunday, August 10, 2014
One of those days..
Sonntag, den 10. August,
Do you even have one of those days, you know, where you feel like shit. Well, today is one of those days. I've been fighting depression for a while now and what seems to be an uphill battle has not gotten any easier for me. In july of 2012 I took the brave step of moving over 5.000 miles or 8.000 km away from my ,,home" to start a whole new life. I pretty much screwed up my life so bad in Florida that i had no choice but to settle somewhere far away. By doing so, I have left my family and friends behind. This is point number one why i've become so depressed. The whole realization of being lonely is a new occurence. Up until now i've been real content with my life here, well, so I thought atleast. Being without family is much harder than it seems. You can make friends wherever you go but family is unique. You only get one mother, one father, and so on. So take my advice and NEVER take them for granted. They are in all honesty your back bone, your support. When you feel like you have no one, there is always family. One day you will wake up and realize it is too late. Your mother and your father have past and you will think of all those times instead of yelling you should have just done what you were told or all those awkward moments you didnt want to say I love you in front of your friends but should've because you cannot ever say it enough. Being away from family teaches you that without them, you are nothing. Point number two why I am in this endless battle is my work. I have a love hate relationship with it. See, in Germany I don't have the right to study due to my school grades so my options are pretty limited. I ended up landing a pretty damn good job but its not 100% for me. I love working with people and my coworkers are amazing but this whole weekly schedules and always changing times isn't what I pictured in my life. I am doing a 2 1/2 year trainee program in hotel management and I would be stupid to not finish it but I am somehow pretty unhappy lately I can't figure out what is right ir what is wrong and I think that is not helping my situation, at all. I do not want to spend my life in the hotel industry but maybe there is something good for me out of all of this. Who knows. Point three is pretty obvious: being in a LDR fucking sucks! It sounds a lot easier than it is, trust me! Don't get me wrong. I LOVE seeing her, no doubt in my mind and there is always this excitement followed by butterflies and anxiousness as I wait to board that plane but at the same time youe realize that you have to say good bye again at some point anf that hurts. We have had a rough two weeks full of ups and downs and I can only hope for the best outcome here. This leads me to my fourth point which ties in to all of this, living alone. There are plenty of pros and cons here. For me, living alone is hard. I suffer from anxiety and hypochondria and that makes it difficult being alone so much. A lot of times I battle my mind. No one can really understand what it's like unless they suffer themselves. So it is hard for my friends and girlfriend to help. A lot of times it leads to a fight in my relationship, and that kills me. Of course I never want to fight with her but when you're going through such a rough patch like I am, it's only bound to happen. I've had so many mood swings the last few weeks. One minute I am happy the next I am crying. It's tough on me and my loved ones. I try my best to push it under but sometimes I just can't. I start therapy at the end of the month, hopefully this will help me!,these past few weeks have just been like a plane spiraling to its fate and I feel like I will not get out of this alive, although I must say, I haven't fully lost my faith! So there is a plus! As far as today goes, I don't feel like I will weer be good enough. I worked a wedding last night and watching the couple cut the cake and listen to all their stories really showed me how bitter I really am. I've never been one to think about marriage or children but now that I have become older I wouldn't mind settling and having a family at some point. Actually the idea sounds pretty darn good but there's one problem: i'm too fucked up. Well I feel like i've complained enough. It's nice to just write what i'm feeling. Feels like the stone was lifted from my chest. Hope you guys all enjoy your sunday evening.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Cory
Monday, July 28, 2014
My other half..
Berlin, den 28. Juli
So the past month I have pretty much fallen off the face of the earth. Not because of something bad but because my other half was here. She came on the 29th of June with intents to leave with her sister on the 14th. Those two weeks were packed with highs and lows. Me taking care of her being sick and then me getting sick and her taking care of me, us watching the World Cup and the stress from watching Germany fight their way to the top, running around the city showing her everything I know and so much more. Her sister came for a few days and we went out most of the time. It was such a blast to have her and her sister here. Then came time for her sister to depart back home, but my other half decided to stay. I was so happy with joy but she was upset. It was/is the first time she has been away so long from family and friends and she cried, a lot. I understood her because I too made the leap into an unknown world where I didn't know many people and barely understood the language. Sure enough, she knew that and it helped her calm down to know I too have been through such obstacles. I had to work the next week but we spent every free minute together exploring, eating, whatever. Just enjoying each others company. Then came time to slowly say good bye and start searching for a flight for her return home. Turns out that the flights were 5x the normal price and it wasn't going to be possible for her to leave the third week. I couldn't have been any happier, who cares if that is wrong. I'm greedy of her and love her. I am not ashamed. We also realised that at the end of the fourth week we would have known each other for a year and we would have been together for four months. This was a reason to celebrate, since we always try to find a reason to be happy. Turns out she would be staying, staying until tomorrow evening. Up until this day I have been having the time of my life with her. We have fought, we have laughed, we have cried, we have made up and so much more. When I am with her, it feels like home. This is where my happy story ends, and the gloomy one begins. Today has been a day filled with emotions. I have never cried so much in my life. Call it what you want, but it's been tough for me. I am going to miss her beautiful smile when I wake up. I am going to miss the time she made Kladdkaka and it wasn't chewy enough and she was upset, I will miss the night she played mother while the guys gawked over her sister, I will miss when we jumped in the car and aimlessly drove the streets, I will miss the time we walked and talked for hours, I will miss sitting at the dinner table with her and just staring at her beauty, and I will miss so so much more. As you can see, there are too many memories that I will miss to even list. The worst part is knowing that I will come home to an empty house. I wont hear her brush her teeth, or lister to her tell me she loves me just before she closes her eyes, or even wake up to her smile and listen to her say ,,baby, wake up!''. I am going to miss so much of this. It was a beautiful thing to have her for a month but man does it make things that much more complicated. Anyone in a LDR will understand the longer they stay the better, but the longer the stay the more the goodbye hurts. I cannot wait until the day that I can wake up to her everyday because I look forward to that day so much. I would give anything to have that right now. Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel but then I see her smile or hear her amazing voice and come to my senses. I do not want to say good bye tomorrow, this will be the hardest good bye for me and us yet but it is what it is. One thing is for sure. I am going to get off my computer now and hold her, hold her so tight and hopefully never let go. I hope you guys get to be with your loved ones all the time. It sucks having to say good bye. I know some of you understand.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Cory
I hope you all enjoy the photos, because it was the hardest thing to find and pick these out.
So the past month I have pretty much fallen off the face of the earth. Not because of something bad but because my other half was here. She came on the 29th of June with intents to leave with her sister on the 14th. Those two weeks were packed with highs and lows. Me taking care of her being sick and then me getting sick and her taking care of me, us watching the World Cup and the stress from watching Germany fight their way to the top, running around the city showing her everything I know and so much more. Her sister came for a few days and we went out most of the time. It was such a blast to have her and her sister here. Then came time for her sister to depart back home, but my other half decided to stay. I was so happy with joy but she was upset. It was/is the first time she has been away so long from family and friends and she cried, a lot. I understood her because I too made the leap into an unknown world where I didn't know many people and barely understood the language. Sure enough, she knew that and it helped her calm down to know I too have been through such obstacles. I had to work the next week but we spent every free minute together exploring, eating, whatever. Just enjoying each others company. Then came time to slowly say good bye and start searching for a flight for her return home. Turns out that the flights were 5x the normal price and it wasn't going to be possible for her to leave the third week. I couldn't have been any happier, who cares if that is wrong. I'm greedy of her and love her. I am not ashamed. We also realised that at the end of the fourth week we would have known each other for a year and we would have been together for four months. This was a reason to celebrate, since we always try to find a reason to be happy. Turns out she would be staying, staying until tomorrow evening. Up until this day I have been having the time of my life with her. We have fought, we have laughed, we have cried, we have made up and so much more. When I am with her, it feels like home. This is where my happy story ends, and the gloomy one begins. Today has been a day filled with emotions. I have never cried so much in my life. Call it what you want, but it's been tough for me. I am going to miss her beautiful smile when I wake up. I am going to miss the time she made Kladdkaka and it wasn't chewy enough and she was upset, I will miss the night she played mother while the guys gawked over her sister, I will miss when we jumped in the car and aimlessly drove the streets, I will miss the time we walked and talked for hours, I will miss sitting at the dinner table with her and just staring at her beauty, and I will miss so so much more. As you can see, there are too many memories that I will miss to even list. The worst part is knowing that I will come home to an empty house. I wont hear her brush her teeth, or lister to her tell me she loves me just before she closes her eyes, or even wake up to her smile and listen to her say ,,baby, wake up!''. I am going to miss so much of this. It was a beautiful thing to have her for a month but man does it make things that much more complicated. Anyone in a LDR will understand the longer they stay the better, but the longer the stay the more the goodbye hurts. I cannot wait until the day that I can wake up to her everyday because I look forward to that day so much. I would give anything to have that right now. Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel but then I see her smile or hear her amazing voice and come to my senses. I do not want to say good bye tomorrow, this will be the hardest good bye for me and us yet but it is what it is. One thing is for sure. I am going to get off my computer now and hold her, hold her so tight and hopefully never let go. I hope you guys get to be with your loved ones all the time. It sucks having to say good bye. I know some of you understand.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Cory
I hope you all enjoy the photos, because it was the hardest thing to find and pick these out.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Well, that was fun..
Berlin, den 13. Juni,
So today is friday the 13th AND there was a full moon. This won't happen again until 2049 and to my luck, I get to enjoy it full force with all my emotions. I think everyone knows I have had a rough oast with my family. It's kind've the whole reason I moved, because I wanted to get away. Well after a year and a half from being away I visited my family. (Father and sister, mother decided to not answer my messages). I ended up repairing my relationship with my father. I don't think i've cried so much in my life. I don't know why I even cried. I just did. I was/am filled with so much stress and anxiety that I can't even control it anymore. On top of that, I had some rough patches with my love that pretty had me on edge thinking that was over. The past few weeks have been rough on me and have definitely taken its toll on me. Saying goodbye to my father was the hardest thing i've had to do. It's easy leaving people you don't get along with but it's never wasy leaving the loved ones. I had a long flight home to think about everything. I've come to the conclusion that I am suffering major anxiety and depression. I feel like I have three ,,homes": one in Florida with my father, one in Stockholm with her and her family and my home in Berlin that i fought for to keep. If I could combine all of these houses into one then i'd probably be fine but I can't, and that's the hard part. I'm stuck with all of these emotions that I cannot even handle. My love came on Tuesday and stayed until this morning. She took care of me and without her i'd me that much more of a wreck. I'm so grateful for her, even if I am not the best at showing it. She deserves to be praised for the hell she went through these past days. I think she has a solid idea of what us men experience through PMS. That's the best way I can describe this all: an extreme case of PMS. Living alone used to be such an excitement, a feeling of independence but now its an eerie room with no one but myself. I've learned to be bitter and hate the silence, why? I don't know. Another major thing going on righr now is my anxiety. It has gotten so bad that I experience almost constant pain, constant worry and minimal sleep. I feel like a dead man walking. I have always had a fear of dying but since a week now it has become an infestation. I cannot properly function anymore. I did not even sleep last night because of my anxiety and depression. I feel like I have hit a dead end and have no more solutions. Today, I made a big step and seeked help. I cannot work for a week now. I have to receive Acupuncture, therapy and natural medicines. I hope I find a solution soon because this is unhealthy and it will kill me. I know it. I miss my father and sister dearly. Theres not a day where I don't wish my love could be with me and I am stuck without both most if the time. I apologize to anyone who reads this and gets annoyed but I needed to vent. I would never wish these pains and feelings on someone. I'm gonna try to make the best of this as I can. I have to go to work now and explain and hope I can keep my job. That's the last thing I need right now.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Cory
Monday, May 19, 2014
Its been awhile..
I haven't been writing much these past weeks. Haven't had much time and have been pretty stressed. I have been spending my weekends in Stockholm enjoying time with my girlfriend and her family and this past week she was in Berlin with friends for the first time. These past days have been extremely tough. I was so nervous to show her Berlin and in hopes that she would fall in love. Whether or not that is the case is still to come. We fought a lot these past few days and it sucked but it was my fault in most cases. I've been under a lot of pressure and stress and have been taking it out on my loved ones. Which is usually the case but is never excused. All in all, having her here was such a beautiful experience. Seeing her face as I showed her around and seeing that she was genuinely interested meant a lot to me. My biggest fear is that she wouldn't like Berlin and therefore would complicate our long distance relationship. I sometimes feel I can't make her happy enough and that i'm not good enough but everybody has their problems. We handle ours usually really well. We were supposed to wake up around eight to take her and her friends to the airport, but she was up at five crying because she didn't wanna leave and she continued the whole way until I left and that killed me. I hated seeing her that upset. I sometimes wonder how people make this whole long distance thing work? It's far from easy and exhausting but I guess if we can make the long distance work then we can make anything work? I leave to Florida next monday for two weeks and this will be the first time were so long apart. Three weeks isn't so long but it is when the longest we've gone in the past few months was no more than a week. It hurts even more saying goodbye when the feelings are so intense. The goodbyes never get easier and the tears never get lighter. Our relationship isnt perfect, but whos is? Sure, sometimes I feel that we won't make it but I think everybody has those days. Sometimes you have to go through the rain to see the sun. Everyday can't be sunny. All I know is everytime I wanna leave she reminds why I should stay. We both have our issues and we both need to work on them, together. I have faith in us. The trust has been damaged in ways but I think we'll get back on our feet and fix it. Since I have met her I have changed so much. I don't wanna party or text other people or do stupid shit. I'm happy being with her. I love her. I really do and I hope that you all see this and can wish me the best on this. Im changing for the better and I couldnt be happier. Well, I think it's time for a little me time and to be depressed. I think thats allowed on a day like this. Have a good day ya'll!
Mit freundlichen grüßen,
Cory
Monday, April 28, 2014
Today is not my day..
Berlin, den 28. April
Today is not my day. Today I feel depressed and down. After finding out that all my stuff was stolen and that tonight will be the first time in two weeks that I will sleep at ,,home". I put home in quotation marks because to be honest it doesn't feel like home anymore. It feels like a nightmare. The closer it gets to me going there the more I start to panic. I don't want to be there and definitely not alone! Today is a very quiet and sad day for me because of that, but that is not the only reason I am upset. I am upset because I had to say goodbye once again. As time goes on it gets harder and harder to say goodbye to her. This weekend was more than special. I learned so much about her and she learnef about me and we just simply bonded. It was such a great time. It was sad at times but we opened up and it only made us stronger. I dont wanna say goodbye to her. I hope that one day she doesnt let me say goodbye. I hope that one day she forces me to stay so that we can be together. That would be a dream come true. I just have so much stress right now. I feel like im dying. Its been years since ive been so low into depression and I didn't miss it. Whats weird is when im with her, its 98% gone but as soon as I leave, I get slammed in the face with it all at once. Ive been over emotional and crying. I have health issues that I feel are slowly taking a toll on me and are gonna kill me. I feel homeless and the place that once was a home is no more. I feel empty and alone. I have a few friends but its hard to talk to them. Why do I feel this way? What is wrong with me? I want to be normal and live a happy life again. Everyone who i've talked to says I should up and move to her. That I am young and that I can make it happen there, I just have to fight. I am just so confused. Good thing is I get to see her thursday. I hope she locks me in her room and just lays next to me until the next time I have to say goodbye. I really do.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Cory-
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