One of those days..

Sonntag, den 10. August,

Do you even have one of those days, you know, where you feel like shit.  Well, today is one of those days. I've been fighting depression for a while now and what seems to be an uphill battle has not gotten any easier for me. In july of 2012 I took the brave step of moving over 5.000 miles or 8.000 km away from my ,,home" to start a whole new life. I pretty much screwed up my life so bad in Florida that i had no choice but to settle somewhere far away. By doing so, I have left my family and friends behind. This is point number one why i've become so depressed. The whole realization of being lonely is a new occurence. Up until now i've been real content with my life here, well, so I thought atleast. Being without family is much harder than it seems. You can make friends wherever you go but family is unique. You only get one mother, one father, and so on. So take my advice and NEVER take them for granted. They are in all honesty your back bone, your support. When you feel like you have no one, there is always family. One day you will wake up and realize it is too late. Your mother and your father have past and you will think of all those times instead of yelling you should have just done what you were told or all those awkward moments you didnt want to say I love you in front of your friends but should've because you cannot ever say it enough. Being away from family teaches you that without them, you are nothing. Point number two why I am in this endless battle is my work. I have a love hate relationship with it. See, in Germany I don't have the right to study due to my school grades so my options are pretty limited. I ended up landing a pretty damn good job but its not 100% for me. I love working with people and my coworkers are amazing but this whole weekly schedules and always changing times isn't what I pictured in my life. I am doing a 2 1/2 year trainee program in hotel management and I would be stupid to not finish it but I am somehow pretty unhappy lately I can't figure out what is right ir what is wrong and I think that is not helping my situation, at all. I do not want to spend my life in the hotel industry but maybe there is something good for me out of all of this. Who knows. Point three is pretty obvious: being in a LDR fucking sucks! It sounds a lot easier than it is, trust me! Don't get me wrong. I LOVE seeing her, no doubt in my mind and there is always this excitement followed by butterflies and anxiousness as I wait to board that plane but at the same time youe realize that you have to say good bye again at some point anf that hurts. We have had a rough two weeks full of ups and downs and I can only hope for the best outcome here. This leads me to my fourth point which ties in to all of this, living alone. There are plenty of pros and cons here. For me, living alone is hard. I suffer from anxiety and hypochondria and that makes it difficult being alone so much. A lot of times I battle my mind. No one can really understand what it's like unless they suffer themselves. So it is hard for my friends and girlfriend to help. A lot of times it leads to a fight in my relationship, and that kills me. Of course I never want to fight with her but when you're going through such a rough patch like I am, it's only bound to happen. I've had so many mood swings the last few weeks. One minute I am happy the next I am crying. It's tough on me and my loved ones. I try my best to push it under but sometimes I just can't. I start therapy at the end of the month, hopefully this will help me!,these past few weeks have just been like a plane spiraling to its fate and I feel like I will not get out of this alive, although I must say, I haven't fully lost my faith! So there is a plus! As far as today goes, I don't feel like I will weer be good enough. I worked a wedding last night and watching the couple cut the cake and listen to all their stories really showed me how bitter I really am. I've never been one to think about marriage or children but now that I have become older I wouldn't mind settling and having a family at some point. Actually the idea sounds pretty darn good but there's one problem: i'm too fucked up. Well I feel like i've complained enough. It's nice to just write what i'm feeling. Feels like the stone was lifted from my chest. Hope you guys all enjoy your sunday evening. 

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,

Cory

My other half..

Berlin, den 28. Juli

      So the past month I have pretty much fallen off the face of the earth. Not because of something bad but because my other half was here. She came on the 29th of June with intents to leave with her sister on the 14th. Those two weeks were packed with highs and lows. Me taking care of her being sick and then me getting sick and her taking care of me, us watching the World Cup and the stress from watching Germany fight their way to the top, running around the city showing her everything I know and so much more. Her sister came for a few days and we went out most of the time. It was such a blast to have her and her sister here. Then came time for her sister to depart back home, but my other half decided to stay. I was so happy with joy but she was upset. It was/is the first time she has been away so long from family and friends and she cried, a lot. I understood her because I too made the leap into an unknown world where I didn't know many people and barely understood the language. Sure enough, she knew that and it helped her calm down to know I too have been through such obstacles. I had to work the next week but we spent every free minute together exploring, eating, whatever. Just enjoying each others company. Then came time to slowly say good bye and start searching for a flight for her return home. Turns out that the flights were 5x the normal price and it wasn't going to be possible for her to leave the third week. I couldn't have been any happier, who cares if that is wrong. I'm greedy of her and love her. I am not ashamed. We also realised that at the end of the fourth week we would have known each other for a year and we would have been together for four months. This was a reason to celebrate, since we always try to find a reason to be happy. Turns out she would be staying, staying until tomorrow evening. Up until this day I have been having the time of my life with her. We have fought, we have laughed, we have cried, we have made up and so much more. When I am with her, it feels like home. This is where my happy story ends, and the gloomy one begins. Today has been a day filled with emotions. I have never cried so much in my life. Call it what you want, but it's been tough for me. I am going to miss her beautiful smile when I wake up. I am going to miss the time she made Kladdkaka and it wasn't chewy enough and she was upset, I will miss the night she played mother while the guys gawked over her sister, I will miss when we jumped in the car and aimlessly drove the streets, I will miss the time we walked and talked for hours, I will miss sitting at the dinner table with her and just staring at her beauty, and I will miss so so much more. As you can see, there are too many memories that I will miss to even list. The worst part is knowing that I will come home to an empty house. I wont hear her brush her teeth, or lister to her tell me she loves me just before she closes her eyes, or even wake up to her smile and listen to her say ,,baby, wake up!''. I am going to miss so much of this. It was a beautiful thing to have her for a month but man does it make things that much more complicated. Anyone in a LDR will understand the longer they stay the better, but the longer the stay the more the goodbye hurts. I cannot wait until the day that I can wake up to her everyday because I look forward to that day so much. I would give anything to have that right now. Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel but then I see her smile or hear her amazing voice and come to my senses. I do not want to say good bye tomorrow, this will be the hardest good bye for me and us yet but it is what it is. One thing is for sure. I am going to get off my computer now and hold her, hold her so tight and hopefully never let go. I hope you guys get to be with your loved ones all the time. It sucks having to say good bye. I know some of you understand.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,

Cory

I hope you all enjoy the photos, because it was the hardest thing to find and pick these out.

Well, that was fun..

Berlin, den 13. Juni,

So today is friday the 13th AND there was a full moon. This won't happen again until 2049 and to my luck, I get to enjoy it full force with all my emotions. I think everyone knows I have had a rough oast with my family. It's kind've the whole reason I moved, because I wanted to get away. Well after a year and a half from being away I visited my family. (Father and sister, mother decided to not answer my messages). I ended up repairing my relationship with my father. I don't think i've cried so much in my life. I don't know why I even cried. I just did. I was/am filled with so much stress and anxiety that I can't even control it anymore. On top of that, I had some rough patches with my love that pretty had me on edge thinking that was over. The past few weeks have been rough on me and have definitely taken its toll on me. Saying goodbye to my father was the hardest thing i've had to do. It's easy leaving people you don't get along with but it's never wasy leaving the loved ones. I had a long flight home to think about everything. I've come to the conclusion that I am suffering major anxiety and depression. I feel like I have three ,,homes": one in Florida with my father, one in Stockholm with her and her family and my home in Berlin that i fought for to keep. If I could combine all of these houses into one then i'd probably be fine but I can't, and that's the hard part. I'm stuck with all of these emotions that I cannot even handle. My love came on Tuesday and stayed until this morning. She took care of me and without her i'd me that much more of a wreck. I'm so grateful for her, even if I am not the best at showing it. She deserves to be praised for the hell she went through these past days. I think she has a solid idea of what us men experience through PMS. That's the best way I can describe this all: an extreme case of PMS. Living alone used to be such an excitement, a feeling of independence but now its an eerie room with no one but myself. I've learned to be bitter and hate the silence, why? I don't know. Another major thing going on righr now is my anxiety. It has gotten so bad that I experience almost constant pain, constant worry and minimal sleep. I feel like a dead man walking. I have always had a fear of dying but since a week now it has become an infestation. I cannot properly function anymore. I did not even sleep last night because of my anxiety and depression. I feel like I have hit a dead end and have no more solutions. Today, I made a big step and seeked help. I cannot work for a week now. I have to receive Acupuncture, therapy and natural medicines. I hope I find a solution soon because this is unhealthy and it will kill me. I know it. I miss my father and sister dearly. Theres not a day where I don't wish my love could be with me and I am stuck without both most if the time. I apologize to anyone who reads this and gets annoyed but I needed to vent. I would never wish these pains and feelings on someone. I'm gonna try to make the best of this as I can. I have to go to work now and explain and hope I can keep my job. That's the last thing I need right now. 

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,

Cory

Its been awhile..

Berlin, den 19. Mai,

I haven't been writing much these past weeks. Haven't had much time and have been pretty stressed. I have been spending my weekends in Stockholm enjoying time with my girlfriend and her family and this past week she was in Berlin with friends for the first time. These past days have been extremely tough. I was so nervous to show her Berlin and in hopes that she would fall in love. Whether or not that is the case is still to come. We fought a lot these past few days and it sucked but it was my fault in most cases. I've been under a lot of pressure and stress and have been taking it out on my loved ones. Which is usually the case but is never excused. All in all, having her here was such a beautiful experience. Seeing her face as I showed her around and seeing that she was genuinely interested meant a lot to me. My biggest fear is that she wouldn't like Berlin and therefore would complicate our long distance relationship.  I sometimes feel I can't make her happy enough and that i'm not good enough but everybody has their problems. We handle ours usually really well. We were supposed to wake up around eight to take her and her friends to the airport, but she was up at five crying because she didn't wanna leave and she continued the whole way until I left and that killed me. I hated seeing her that upset. I sometimes wonder how people make this whole long distance thing work? It's far from easy and exhausting but I guess if we can make the long distance work then we can make anything work? I leave to Florida next monday for two weeks and this will be the first time were so long apart. Three weeks isn't so long but it is when the longest we've gone in the past few months was no more than a week. It hurts even more saying goodbye when the feelings are so intense. The goodbyes never get easier and the tears never get lighter. Our relationship isnt perfect, but whos is? Sure, sometimes I feel that we won't make it but I think everybody has those days. Sometimes you have to go through the rain to see the sun. Everyday can't be sunny. All I know is everytime I wanna leave she reminds why I should stay. We both have our issues and we both need to work on them, together. I have faith in us. The trust has been damaged in ways but I think we'll get back on our feet and fix it. Since I have met her I have changed so much. I don't wanna party or text other people or do stupid shit. I'm happy being with her. I love her. I really do and I hope that you all see this and can wish me the best on this. Im changing for the better and I couldnt be happier. Well, I think it's time for a little me time and to be depressed. I think thats allowed on a day like this. Have a good day ya'll!

Mit freundlichen grüßen,

Cory

This pictures sums us up. The fact that we drive eachother absolutely crazy and love it. 

Today is not my day..

Berlin, den 28. April

Today is not my day. Today I feel depressed and down. After finding out that all my stuff was stolen and that tonight will be the first time in two weeks that I will sleep at ,,home". I put home in quotation marks because to be honest it doesn't feel like home anymore. It feels like a nightmare. The closer it gets to me going there the more I start to panic. I don't want to be there and definitely not alone! Today is a very quiet and sad day for me because of that, but that is not the only reason I am upset. I am upset because I had to say goodbye once again. As time goes on it gets harder and harder to say goodbye to her. This weekend was more than special. I learned so much about her and she learnef about me and we just simply bonded. It was such a great time. It was sad at times but we opened up and it only made us stronger. I dont wanna say goodbye to her. I hope that one day she doesnt let me say goodbye. I hope that one day she forces me to stay so that we can be together. That would be a dream come true. I just have so much stress right now. I feel like im dying. Its been years since ive been so low into depression and I didn't miss it. Whats weird is when im with her, its 98% gone but as soon as I leave, I get slammed in the face with it all at once. Ive been over emotional and crying. I have health issues that I feel are slowly taking a toll on me and are gonna kill me. I feel homeless and the place that once was a home is no more. I feel empty and alone. I have a few friends but its hard to talk to them. Why do I feel this way? What is wrong with me? I want to be normal and live a happy life again. Everyone who i've talked to says I should up and move to her. That I am young and that I can make it happen there, I just have to fight. I am just so confused. Good thing is I get to see her thursday. I hope she locks me in her room and just lays next to me until the next time I have to say goodbye. I really do. 

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,

Cory-

This past week..

Von dem Flugzeug, den 22. April,

So my trip to Croatia didn't end up working, so I ended up flying to her in Stockholm for the week. Hands down the best week of my life! I flew in on wednesday the 16th of April. She was waiting for me at the airport with opening arms. We gathered my things and packed up the car and made our way home to Järfälla. The next few days were filled wit seeing people, seeing more of the city, quality family time and of course spending time together. Saturday was a special day. She wasn't feeling good so I went out to gather some things for her while she took a bath to relax. She wanted to cook me dinner and she did it perfectly. Saturday was a day that I can only wish and hope that our relationship will end up like that one day. We worked as a team, cooperating harmoniously as one. The greatest feeling while in a relationship is the feeling of everything being perfect. That no matter what is going on, you feel safe and secure and kniw you're not alone. Was definitely a day to remember! On sunday, we went on a cruise to Finland for our Easter. It was my first time on a cruise ship. Was a blast with her family. I get along with her family so well and it is such a great feeling. They make me feel like part of them and that's an amazing feeling when my family is 8.000 km away. I posted previously about her oarents so I don't think I need to explain much more about them. I love them and am so grateful that they took me in with open arms. Me and her have had our squalls but in the end we always came together and fixed OUR problems. We have learned that it takes two to tango in a relationship and that one cannot function without the other. She does everything to make me happy and I do everything to make her happy and you know what, it's pretty damn close to perfect for us. I have now met a fair amount of her friends: Nathalie, Anna, Zimone, Andreas, Rebecca, Ronja, Ida and some others. Every one of them sees that we are different and that this is different. EVERYONE Supports us and wants that we succeed. So not only do we support one another but we have the love and support from all the friends and family and with that being said our situation couldn't be more perfect, distance aside of course. We have already started talking about our future, nothing for sure but atleast where we wanna go and what we'd like to happen. If she comes to me, how will it work and vice versa. The tough thing is that we have lives in different countries and due to complications it will be hard for us to end up in the same place. Learning the others language and finding a job will be the biggest feat we will face with that move and we have both started talking about how we could make this possibly easier on one another. All I can say is where there is a will there is ALWAYS a way. Whether that be me going to her or her coming to me, I will make sure we make this happen. I assume she feels the same. Everytimr I leave her, I cry. It hurts leaving somethting so beautiful but I know that it will all work out sooner or later and that the best things in life never come easy. All the good things have to be worked for. I could definitely see myself living in a city like Stockholm, not only because of her but because I really enjoy the city. I hope when she comes to Berlin in three weeks that she feels the same. It would mean the workd to me knowing that if I can't come to her that she can come to me. So. I will do my best to make her visit as good as possible. Well, I think that is enough for now. I hope that this feeling never ends.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,

  Cory

There really is hope..

Järfälla, den 21. April,

       Today will be a little different. Instead of a post about myself and my life, I would like to write about another person, or should I say couple. This is about Jan and Elisabeth Fast. They have been married for 30 years now, and are still going strong! This is a couple everyone should be looking up to. I may not know them perfectly but I have spent the past weeks around them and have seen that true love really DOES exist. Elisabeth is a loving mother, who puts her children and husband always first. Her job as a mother is a 24/7 job that she does every day gladly with a smile on her face. Her english isn´t perfect but she´s trying and that means a lot to me, it shows me that she has a dedication and is open to something new. She makes sure the house is clean, that everyone has everything they need and so so much more. Then there is Jan, the fisher, house-repairer and everything do-er. This man is like superman! There is nothing he CAN´T do! He makes sure everything in the house is fully functioning, that the family is fed and that his wife wakes up and goes to bed with a smile on. That´s a real man in my eyes. A man with priorities and knows what he wants and needs in his life. They are the definition of a team: when one falls, they both fall. The one cannot function without the other and that is how a marriage should be. Sure they fight but they don´t give up. Sure they probably bash heads and disagree but in the end they always end up making up and life goes on. They accept that everything that happens will only benefit them in the learning experience and help them fix things better in the future. I feel like they deserve a bit of praise because I honestly haven´t personally met a familiy so tight and close like the Fast family. In 2014, that is quite the astonishment for me. I love my family and always will but sometimes I wish my family ended up like theirs. I miss feeling like a have a family. Eating dinner together, talking about our days and just enjoying life. That seems to be the thing here in Sweden, or so it seems. Well, time to go enjoy the summer weather in Sweden. Hej då!

Mit freundlichen Gruessen,

Cory-

A Sunny Day in Stockholm...

Stockholm, den 5. April,

Hey everyone!

Been a few days since I posted anything because work was pretty busy. I started a new department and have had a lot to do. The work is actually really fun and I am excited to continue learning more about it. As you may have already seen, I am currently in Stockholm right now with Josefine. I flew in last night. After a hell of a flight with a broken engine and a drunken finnish guy next to me I made it to my ,,third" home here in Järfälla. It's so nice to finally see my other half again. No one said that a lng distance relationship would be easy but every time I see Josefine I am reminded that no matter what happens there is always something to look forward to! She reminds me every day that there are people with good intentions out there and thats such a relief with the mentalities of most people in this day and age. We don't have anything huge planned on this short two day trip, but it's really nice to just relax. We don't even have to say anything. Just simply enjoying our company, because tomorrow evening I will be back in Berlin and then back to the waiting game. The weird thing is the distance doesn't really bother me. It's quite nice. Means we have to work on trust and that's a major downfall on my side. So this should help me become a better person. Especially since I have the assistance from such an amazing person. I'm trying to make it possible that we see each other as much as possible and as of right now its been working pretty well. We both have our issues but I have faith that we'll overcome them as a pair. Well, I hope atleast. Well, I should probably go back to paying attention to her. I hope you all enjoy your weekend, sure know that I will!

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,

Cory

Sunny Side Up..

Berlin, den 26. März


       At the end of every tunnel comes light. That is something I have heard countless times throughout my life. I am finally starting to understand the meaning behind this statement. Through all the bad comes the good and for me right now I have nothing but good coming my way. I couldn't help but sit down today and take a few minutes to appreciate the life I love, the people who help make this life the way it is and the life itself because I am healthy and still alive. Money has been a struggling issue for me since I made the decision to move here to Berlin. One month is good then the next is bad. It's a vicious cycle that has finally found its end station. My work started offering a second work contract so that we ,,Azubis'' can earn a little more cash. More cash is always a nice thing. I signed my contract and starting on 1.4 I can start working more. That will help alleviate some of the stress I have been having. I also plan on moving in August with two of my good friends Larissa and Anne, that will also lessen the burden on my wallet all while bringing me closer to the city centre. A lot of my contracts will be ending in the coming months and that too will save me money. As I start the second year of my Programme I will also get a raise. So as far as money goes things will only get better from here on out! I am still studying at my university in America, and that has been going really well. Despite the 6 hour time change, the stressful work weeks and school here I have been able to maintain a good GPA and that's a good feeling knowing I can juggle so much and still manage myself. My school here is an ongoing battle due to the language barrier. I am not fluent in german, and am actually quite far from full fluency but the battle is worth fighting for because in the end the possibilities are endless for me. I managed to have pretty much perfect grade on the first semester so we'll see what this semester here brings. Hopefully, I can maintain my standing. I have some of the coolest friends here. My closest of all of them, Martin, is a true friend. This guy is always there for me. Picked me up from the hospital and drove me 45 minutes home! During our trip to Stockholm, I got to know him more personally. We spent hours talking about life and realized we have a lot in common. It's a great feeling knowing that such a great person is by my side. Then theres Steffie and Isabelle, who I haven't been close that long with but was one of the best decisions I made to involve myself into their lives. We'll be driving to Croatia in less than a month for a week long trip. I couldn't be more excited for this trip! Speaking of vacations, I have been sitting here for hours planning my vacations and managed to make it so that every month this year I have some ,,vacation'' and in July is Tomorrowland, which will be absolutely amazing this year seeing it is the ten year anniversary! The best part is im going with my closest friends and my cousin will be meeting me there! I haven't seen her crazy self in years and she will be bringing a good friend of hers that I also having seen in years! So I am really looking forward to July! As you all have already heard, I have an amazing girlfriend in my life. Life couldn't be better between us. We Facetime often and talk almost all day long, and best of all it doesn't ever get boring. We've gotten much closer in the past weeks. She has told me some personal things that helped me bond better with her and I have done the same for her. I don't wanna say she is the one, but she is. I just know. Whether it's the constant butterflies and restlessness she gives me or the constant smile on my face or maybe even the fact since her I have been more optimistic rather than pessimistic. Doesn't matter, the feeling is there and I don't want that to ever fade. I feel on top of the world thanks to her. I have never had a woman care so much for me as she does. I am forever thankful for her coming into my life. Oh! She booked her flight to come to Berlin in May with her two best friends too! All in all, I cannot complain about my life. Sure things could be better but hey there can always be brighter days. Point is I am more than pleased at my standing in my life and wouldn't give it up. It's great to see life from the other side of the fence finally. I know that I am on the right path and will be a successful person. I will be a great boyfriend/husband and I will be an amazing father. I have matured a lot these past months and feel confident enough to say those things. Thanks to all the people who have stood behind me and supported me and as for the people who worked against me, an even bigger thank you goes to you for giving me the drive to fight harder for what I want. As always, comments are always welcome. I wish you all a wonderful evening.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Cory

How You Changed My Life...

Berlin, den 22. März


      We met eight months ago online, I know, typical right? It all started with being dumb and liking one anothers pictures and somehow it progressed. We started talking. We starting writing and in the blink of an eye we're here now, today. The past eight months have been none the less than, how do I say, interesting? It has been filled with happiness and sadness, with confusion and illusion, and most importantly it has been filled with butterflies. The butterflies that bring me joy and happiness. I finally decided to take the next step in my life and that was to meet you. You didn't want to at first but i'm glad you did because you have been the greatest thing to ever happen to me. There are people who will read this and laugh, maybe even be mad at me. My life has recently changed and it wasn't a progressing change. This change occurred before I could even blink my eyes. Everything I thought I knew about myself was all wrong. I learned that I really can love and that not everything has to have a negative. You taught me that people do love me even when I am not the nicest person. You taught me that there is purpose in life and that everything we do has its reasons. I have spent the last week of my life listening to love songs, walking around dancing and smiling, and simply full of joy. Anyone who knows me would never believe that because I am Cory, the most pessimistic person on this planet, but no! That has all changed thanks to you. You showed me how to find the sun on my rainiest days. I have to be honest. Up until about a week ago I never took you honestly. I thought this would be just some other girl, just some other day but man was I wrong. Really wrong! It's as if cupid shot me right in the ass with a super sized arrow. It blind sided me out of nowhere. I never know the feelings I have been feeling even existed! For anyone who has been following my blog, you would know that I haven't been the best person I could be. I have lied, cheated, and been a selfish person but you, you make me want to forget that past and be the best I can be. The true friends, the little that I have, all know how I feel about you and couldn't be happier because they know that deep down all I have is good intentions. My shady past makes it hard for me to have people believe me but none of that matters anymore because all that matters is you. I have met your friends and your family. They all loved me. Every girlfriend I have ever had, I have always tried to suck up and be the best and was fake to win their approval but with your friends and family I was just myself. I didn't try. I just acted true to myself. That says a lot for me. I love that they all support me. It's a great feeling knowing that I have people who see how I feel and wanna help make this distance not so hard. We have close to a thousand kilometers between us. One hour and thirty minutes in the plane. The flight? About 80€. It's a joke. The distance doesn't exist. A close friend once told me that god chooses the best people for distance because he knows they can take on a good challenge. I accept such a challenge with open arms. I would swim the four oceans and walk the seven continents just to find my way back to you. For once in my life I didn't rush. I made sure I didn't because I knew there was something special there. There are times where I hate you and think to myself how could such a beautiful person be so ugly but I have learned over the years that even the most beautiful souls have ugly days. I have learned with you to accept that there will be times we hate each other but that we won't give up there. That we will fight for what we, as a team, believe in and learn from our mistakes. I accept that you are far from perfect and that you have your flaws. I accept the perfect flaws with open arms. I accept your friends and family, your dreams, and anything else you have on your mind. I accept it all because I care so much about you. More than I thought I could ever care again. My dear friend is my hope for this, he has been years together with his now fiance. They have been the whole time in a long distance relationship and now engaged. They couldn't be happier with one another! I see an odd resemblance in our history to theirs. That gives me hope that we can truly make it. You have had a rough past. You have made your poor choices. You are now growing up and trying to come to terms with the choices of your past. Just know you have me at all times to help you through this. I was always told that if you wanna know if your long distance would work that you have to think in the future. Can you see yourself marrying them? Kids with them? Living with them? I asked myself all these questions recently and without hesitation I must say that I truly can. I think you'll be an amazing mother with the enormous heart you have. I think you could be an amazing wife if loved and respected properly. The good thing is I have also made my mistakes and learned from them. I know what not to do and I know what I should be doing. Every day is a learning experience for me and I hope that you see that in me, that I am trying. I haven't been this happy in years. I have had a rough past few years with moving across the world, health issues, financial hardships and on and on. I am writing all this because sometimes I just need to jot my feelings down. The whole point in this is so that I can talk about my feelings and not directly be judged. As I said, I am far from perfect but I will do my best to be the best man for you. That's my promise. Jag saknar dig.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,

Cory

P.S. for the people who think I am stupid and have anything against my relationship, there is a delete button. Do me the favor and do it for me because I do not need negative people in my life.

Finally...

Berlin, den 17. März

Hej, Hallo, and Hi,
       After a long weekend of speaking swedish, english and german I am finally home, in my own bed. It is a bittersweet feeling being home. This vacation was probably one of the coolest, most amazing vacations I have ever had. I met some amazing people while I was there and specific person who I will talk about later. I got to spend the last few days on a drunken voyage with my best friend. At first we only wanted to relax and enjoy the city but that quickly changed when we had our first sip of alcohol. We didn't expect the 72 hour rage of drinking that occurred. We spent the first day walking all over the city and trying to see as much as possible in our time frame. We then met up with a girl I knew in Stockholm and her friends for drinks later that evening. The thing is, this just wasn't any girl, this was the girl from my previous post ,,The Mysterious Girl From Sweden''. That's right, after so many months we finally met. I bet you are wondering how it went, well, it couldn't of gone any better. I have never had such an amazing time with a woman as I did with her. Everything about her was everything I wanted and more. It was as if I won the lotto or something. Let me tell you about my little Prinsessa. The night we met was filled with excitement and of course drinks. We danced, we laughed, we talked and most of all we bonded. The night ended with her staying at my place and was filled with a long night of just cuddling. Couldn't of been more perfect. We woke up and hung out for a couple of hours with her and her friends. My best friend was a bit K.O. from the night before so he sat this day out. Sooner or later she went home and I tried to figure out what I was gonna do with my day. Well in the end I ended up driving outside the city to her house, where I ,,luckily'' got to meet her father and we spent the day just laying in bed and talking and talking and talking. It was so nice to finally be with someone where I could talk and feel comfortable and have her talk to me. I am a man of communication and finally I have someone in my life who wants to talk to me about feelings and life and everything. I ended up sooner or later going back home and we were gonna all meet up later for dinner. At first she was too tired and wasn't gonna come, which really upset me, more than I ever expected but she finally came. Well, we all started drinking and after a few clubs, laughs and funny stories we ended up hopping into a taxi, which cost 100€ by the way! A nice cold walk home and I was back in her bed with her in my arms. Let me tell you, it does not matter how drunk you are, the feeling of having someone you care about in your arms is unbeatable. I have never enjoyed a night so much like I did with her. I mean honestly, that's when I realized that I was head over heels for a woman who doesn't even live in my country. I don't care though and that's the scary part. We came home on sunday and I decided it'd be a great idea to continue being drunk and get shit faced with half a liter of vodka. This is when I realized a lot about myself and her. This girl is obsessed with her phone and knew that it bothers me and didn't touch her phone ONCE! She knows I don't like smoking and didn't smoke! As I was too drunk to even by food she bought the food for me and sat next to me and didn't leave. What woman does something like that for a guy she just met? I don't why she did but I am so damn thankful. Well I spent sunday night away from her and it was a lonely night to say the least. She wanted to meet today to talk about ,,us'' and where we are going to go now. After an hour of talking we came to a conclusion and I couldn't be happier, ok well I could be happier if I could see her more. Long distance is always a challenge but not impossible. This girl is everything I want. I couldn't want more. I am hoping and praying that this is the one because she is just that damn amazing. I am begging what ever god who takes care of that shit, to make this work for me. She is so beautiful, and funny, and cute and unique. She will be a great mother and a great wife one day and I hope I am lucky enough to be blessed with such a beautiful soul. The next steps will be a tough set of steps but as my father always told me the best things in life come at a price. I will do whatever it takes to make this work. I don't want to lose her. My ex ruined me and confused me. I learned a lot about myself but I still have the fear of getting hurt. Josefine is still young and still makes mistakes. I hope she doesn't hurt me and I hope that she can fix the few problems and make them better. I hope I can help her with that process too. My biggest fear with her is that she will cheat or lie or leave me. It always happens to me, but I guess time will tell. Tonight sucks and I would do anything to relive this weekend over and over and get to be with her but unfortunately it is what it is. I am done rambling for tonight. Thanks if you took the time to listen!

This girl here <3

The Transition From Boy To Man..

Berlin, den 25. Februar


         There comes a time in every man's life where he has to take control of the steering wheel and make decisions for himself. Everybody has their own definition of what being a man is all about, here is mine. I believe that becoming a man involves many factors: responsibilities, relationships and respect are the three R's to becoming a man in my eyes. I have lived quite the life I must admit. I have seen people be born and have seen people die, I have met some of the most famous people on this planet, I have partied in places you cant imagine, I have loved, and have had my heartbroken. For some people it may not sound so extravagant, but in my eyes I have experienced a lot for only being 22. The first thing that helped me become a man was learning what responsibility is about. I grew up with an amazingly fucked up family who I love. I had plenty of things handed to me but I also had to work for a lot of things.  Since I was 14 I was behind the bar carrying cases of beers in the bar. I was raised by my father under one motto and that was ,,If you want something in life you gotta go out and get it. No matter what it is''. This sounds pretty general, but it has a deeper meaning for me. My father taught me that there is no such thing as ,,free'', and that everything in love comes at a cost. At the age of 20, I decided while on vacation in my hometown in Berlin that I was going to give up my life and start off new. Some people would say that it was a mistake while others would say it was a blessing. Whatever it was, it has been quite the adventure. I have had my ups and downs while living here but this all contributed to the change into becoming the man I am today. I had to learn to ration my money, because I had none. I had to learn that clothes, shoes, and alcohol are luxuries and not necessities because I had to finance my whole apartment on my own. That meant, buy the stove, the fridge, the washer, etc. all on my own. Living here, on my own, has also taught me the responsibilities involved in being an adult: paying bills, going to work, going food shopping and so on. Keep in mind, I was a 20 year old single man. That shit was not easy! Thankfully, you live and you learn and after I made my mistakes I learned how to fix them and now things are much better. The second most influencing factor is relationships. I will be completely honest, from the ages of 14 until about 19 I was the biggest piece of shit on this planet. I used girls by telling them what they wanted to hear to get what I want. I was unfaithful, I lied, I played, I cheated, and much much more! I am still no angel, but I have learned from these bad habits and used them to help my friends avoid having the same done to them. I wish I could go back and apologize to every woman I lied to and lead on and in worst cases, broke their heart. They never did anything to deserve it. Shoot, some of those women are absolute keepers! I feel that those experience helped me a lot in shaping me into the man I am because I finally woke up and decided that instead of using those things negatively that I would use them for a good benefit. I swore to myself that I would do my best to not lie, or hurt, or such but rather be kinder, and love stronger, and be more supportive. Like I said, I am far from being perfect but I have promised myself to do my best to be the man I would want my daughter to marry. These past few months since my last relationship have been a roller coaster of emotions and realizations, and I am glad that I have gotten to where I am today. The last ,,R'' is for respect. The absolute most important part of being a real man. I lived my entire life up until about half a year ago completely without respect. I didn't give a shit about anything but myself, but all that has changed. I learned to treat people with kindness, I learned to hold the door open for people and to always smile. I learned that when you respect someone that it will take you much further in the long run. I have learned how great it feels to care about people and have them care about you. All that falls into respecting because you learn to look after others and not just yourself. Don't get me wrong here, you have to take care of yourself first. The key into living a long and happy life starts with you being happy with yourself. You have to learn to love yourself first before you can try to love someone else. At the end of the day, when I look back to who I once was and to who I now am, I cannot help but almost cry. It is like a night and day difference and I couldn't be happier. 5 years ago I would have stepped over a dead body just to get to my goal, but now I learned that the real goal in life has nothing to do with stepping over that body but rather acknowledging it and helping.

One of the greatest feelings a man can feel is appreciation. Since I have made this change I have met so many amazing people here. Every one of my true friends knows I love them and knows I am there for them, no matter what. I made every one of them a promise. A promise that I will always be there through thick and thin and will always be by their side where I can. I plan on keeping that promise until I am found six feet deep. The feeling I get when I come to work or meet with friends and see the glow of happiness when they see me, that is a feeling worth having, not the feeling of lying to get what I want. I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world. Nope. That is why I am proud of who I am and my transition from boy to man.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, feel free to ask me anything you wanna know. I am an open person and love my readers who take the time to listen to me babble.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
       Cory

Oh, Such a Wonderful Life..

Berlin, den 14. Februar


        So today is the most wonderful day of all: Valentines Day. The day of love and joy and all that bullshit. Actually today is just another day, we shouldn't have to have a holiday to celebrate who you love. That should be a daily task to appreciate the loved ones. Now that I got that across, lets go onto my life. My life is pretty damn amazing right now. Besides the typical roller coaster with the ex, everything else is amazing. I found myself a new place to live in August. Moving in with two girl friends of mine who are absolutely amazing! If it actually happens is yet to be told, but as of now that's the plan and I couldn't be more excited. In less than a month I will be flying to Stockholm with my best friend and will be meeting a mysterious swedish woman who I humorously met on Instagram. We'll see how that goes! I'm excited to see the outcome. Then over easter I will be driving with two of my work colleagues through Scandinavia. The whole trip will take 6-7 days and will cover close to 4.500 kilometers, so roughly 2.800 miles. We will drive through Denmark, Sweden, and the majority through Norway. Finally get to mark something else off my bucket list which is a great feelings. I will be in Florida for two weeks at the end of may/june. Glad I get to see the loved ones. Last time I was there was in 2012. Tomorrowland tickets go on sale tomorrow, so hopefully i'll get my hand on those. If so, will be going there at the end of July and then will be back in the states in December. This year is looking to be quite the year so far. Not everything that's gold, glitters. There is still quite the stress going on right now with letting go of the past, and getting over this sickness, but life is so much prettier when you look at the brighter side of things. I finally got a camera, a Nikon D5100. So I finally start posting some pictures of my life and travels. Hopefully there is someone out there who will look forward to that! I also may have a part-time job so I can earn a little extra cash on the side. We'll see if that works out! In other news, the end of the month I am throwing a party at my place. I invited everyone I know, so the list is over 70 people. We'll see how that goes, i'm excited to finally do something big at my place. Well, I hate to cut this so short but I gotta go spend the day with my best friend and some of the coolest people I know. As always, I appreciate the people who read my blog. You are all loved by me!
Have a wonderful day!

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Cory

Something different for a change...

Berlin, den 20. Januar


          So I spent today pretty much sick in bed and had a lot of time to play around with things. I have set a goal, whether it is feasible or not is something else, but I would like to try and visit one city each month. Simple weekend trips work best in this case, but for some of these cities I would need a bit more time for. The positive in these cities is they are almost all easily accessible and can be traveled on a budget. So I am pretty excited to try and make this happen. It will help me find who I am and experience a bit of Europe's backyard. So now to the list:

1. Iceland

Iceland has been on the top of my list for now. I find the country to be of the most interesting on my list. I love how different it is, and how free everything is with the black sand beaches, the plains, the hills, the mountains, the springs, the waterfalls, and on and on.

2. Oslo, Norway

I visited Oslo in October 2013, and was only there for a few days but I found it to be a beautiful city. I find the norwegians have amazing lives and I would love to see the city again.  Maybe this time, without the rain!

3. Stockholm, Sweden

Stockholm is the first city I will visit this year, I will be there in March and couldn't be more excited. The Swedes and Norwegians always battle it out, so I am excited to see the opponent! 

4. Cinque Terre, Italy

(Riomaggiore)

I am actually no fan of Italy, but this town is down right beautiful. The stunning colors and the diverse terrain all while being on the water. Can't complain there!

5. Barcelona, Spain

Barcelona is definitely on my list due to the warmer temperatures and the vibrant culture. 

6. Split, Croatia

Split is probably the one city on this list no one has heard of but don't let that fool you, the city in pictures is absolutely stunning!

7. Santorini, Greece

Santorini is always a travelers hot spot due to the location of the island and its pristine waters. The buildings are white and the roofs are colored. Built on cliffs and amazing views. Definitely a must see.

8. Paris, France

Last but not least.... Paris. The city of love!

There are plenty of other places I wanna see but these are definitely on the top of my list for 2014. Lets see how much of them I get to see! If you have any suggestions, just write me and let me know!

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,

Cory

My letter to women..

Berlin, den 11. Januar,


      I've been seeing a lot of people posting their ,,open letter'' to the opposite sex and I figured i'd weigh in my personal opinions. I believe that all women are beautiful in their own way. That is the first and foremost important thing to make you women understand. Through college I learned how much the media has affected the women's perspective on what beautiful is. Your beauty is not stated with how many ribs I can see. Instead, your beauty is what is within you. Of course we all want our partner to be active and fit and look beautiful, but the real factors that matter to me have more to do with who you are than what you are and have. I don't care how much money you make, or what car you have or even what brand your jeans are. That's all irrelevant shit to me. What I care about is how you think of yourself and of myself. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who knows she looks good, whether or not the public agrees with her. There is something about a woman who can wear sweatpants with her hair tied up but can also put a dress on and rock your world. I don't want a woman who has to constantly worry what others think. That's unnecessary in my eyes. You have to learn to be happy in your own skin, I mean it IS the only skin you have! Sure every guy loves a bit of eye candy, but we all know that she is nothing to take home to the family. My best and most successful relationships have been with women who were confident, not cocky and knew what they had and accepted it. You can always better yourself and that's perfectly ok. What's not ok is thinking you HAVE to better yourself or no one will ever love you. Every women deserves to be loved no matter what shape, height, size, etc. Now that we got the self appearance part down, now we can talk about the relationship side. Your relationship should be something to look forward to. I see way to many girls in relationships where they are not happy and are just there for the convenience of a.) having someone there b.) a place to live or c.) simply afraid to let go. All three of those are absolutely no-gos and you're only gonna be the bad person and hurt him more the longer you drag it out. Take the time to be happy in your relationship, if you can't find happiness then accept that it just isn't the right one for you. If you find yourself fighting more than you are smiling, not the right one. If you find yourself noticing other men, not the right one. If you find yourself missing the single life, not the right one. Just some examples, but your relationship should bring the best of you out, not bring you down! A relationship isn't about what I want or what you want. It is about what can I do to make YOU better and vice versa. I feel most people fail to understand this with relationships and marriage. Love is selfless, love is about giving your all to do the best for the other person. I don't mean buy him gifts and spoil him. Not at all, I mean help him achieve his goals and help him keep his life in line. Women are the spine to man kind. Without women, no man would survive. Any guy can argue this, but a man accepts this and embraces this. You women bring life to this earth and for that we are forever in debt to you women. Understand this and know that the right guy will give his life for you and do everything to keep a smile on your face. I have way to many friends who get into relationships because they are lonely and just simply don't want to be alone anymore. I'm personally guilty of doing this, but I have learned it will cause more harm than good. We have to learn to appreciate one another and embrace the other person. It should go without saying but a relationship is a positive aspect of life and shouldn't be seen as a negative. I used to be the biggest asshole who used and abused girls to get what he wanted but I have grown up and learned that is not how we treat our partner. I learned to love and give your all for someone. Sure, hooking up and getting laid every other day was cool and fun at the time but there is no greater feeling than waking up next to the women you love and knowing that they love you in return. No sex or drug can replace that kind of feeling.

This was my stand to women, and I hope this offends no one. Feel free to comment if you'd like or message me if you'd rather keep it personal. Opinions are always appreciated.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
      Cory

Time to let go...

Berlin, den 5. Januar,

It's time to finally let go. I can't hide it from my friends and family anymore. The past two months have been fake smiles and fake feelings. I have been telling the world that i'm doing great and that i'm finally haply again with my life, but the truth is i'm not. She is the reason i'm not ok. I never thought a human being could miss someone this much, but clearly it is possible. I've tried to keep my mind off of you by being active, going to clubs, seeing other people but it simply doesn't fit for me. I somehow end up always home, alone, missing you. I'm sorry to my friends and family who seem to be getting annoyed with my depressive posts but I cannot help it right now. Trust me, i've been doing my best to keep my mind off of things. The last two weeks have been filled with horrid dreams. I can't sleep a full night because i'm afraid you'll haunt me in my sleep. I'm a strong person and can handle pretty much anything, but in this case I have met my match. You break me down into the person no one knows. This person who has feelings and hope that maybe just maybe you'll be back. Now is time for me to finally let go, I am starting to realize that you're gone and won't be back. It's ok though as long as you're happy. Because at the end of the day, all that matters is your happiness. I'm always here if you need me. A shoulder to cry on. I wish you nothing but the best. It's not goodbye it's see you later, right?

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Cory