Do you even have one of those days, you know, where you feel like shit. Well, today is one of those days. I've been fighting depression for a while now and what seems to be an uphill battle has not gotten any easier for me. In july of 2012 I took the brave step of moving over 5.000 miles or 8.000 km away from my ,,home" to start a whole new life. I pretty much screwed up my life so bad in Florida that i had no choice but to settle somewhere far away. By doing so, I have left my family and friends behind. This is point number one why i've become so depressed. The whole realization of being lonely is a new occurence. Up until now i've been real content with my life here, well, so I thought atleast. Being without family is much harder than it seems. You can make friends wherever you go but family is unique. You only get one mother, one father, and so on. So take my advice and NEVER take them for granted. They are in all honesty your back bone, your support. When you feel like you have no one, there is always family. One day you will wake up and realize it is too late. Your mother and your father have past and you will think of all those times instead of yelling you should have just done what you were told or all those awkward moments you didnt want to say I love you in front of your friends but should've because you cannot ever say it enough. Being away from family teaches you that without them, you are nothing. Point number two why I am in this endless battle is my work. I have a love hate relationship with it. See, in Germany I don't have the right to study due to my school grades so my options are pretty limited. I ended up landing a pretty damn good job but its not 100% for me. I love working with people and my coworkers are amazing but this whole weekly schedules and always changing times isn't what I pictured in my life. I am doing a 2 1/2 year trainee program in hotel management and I would be stupid to not finish it but I am somehow pretty unhappy lately I can't figure out what is right ir what is wrong and I think that is not helping my situation, at all. I do not want to spend my life in the hotel industry but maybe there is something good for me out of all of this. Who knows. Point three is pretty obvious: being in a LDR fucking sucks! It sounds a lot easier than it is, trust me! Don't get me wrong. I LOVE seeing her, no doubt in my mind and there is always this excitement followed by butterflies and anxiousness as I wait to board that plane but at the same time youe realize that you have to say good bye again at some point anf that hurts. We have had a rough two weeks full of ups and downs and I can only hope for the best outcome here. This leads me to my fourth point which ties in to all of this, living alone. There are plenty of pros and cons here. For me, living alone is hard. I suffer from anxiety and hypochondria and that makes it difficult being alone so much. A lot of times I battle my mind. No one can really understand what it's like unless they suffer themselves. So it is hard for my friends and girlfriend to help. A lot of times it leads to a fight in my relationship, and that kills me. Of course I never want to fight with her but when you're going through such a rough patch like I am, it's only bound to happen. I've had so many mood swings the last few weeks. One minute I am happy the next I am crying. It's tough on me and my loved ones. I try my best to push it under but sometimes I just can't. I start therapy at the end of the month, hopefully this will help me!,these past few weeks have just been like a plane spiraling to its fate and I feel like I will not get out of this alive, although I must say, I haven't fully lost my faith! So there is a plus! As far as today goes, I don't feel like I will weer be good enough. I worked a wedding last night and watching the couple cut the cake and listen to all their stories really showed me how bitter I really am. I've never been one to think about marriage or children but now that I have become older I wouldn't mind settling and having a family at some point. Actually the idea sounds pretty darn good but there's one problem: i'm too fucked up. Well I feel like i've complained enough. It's nice to just write what i'm feeling. Feels like the stone was lifted from my chest. Hope you guys all enjoy your sunday evening.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Cory
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