Berlin, den 7. November,
Good morning or afternoon, which ever you prefer. I have spend the whole morning thinking, for whatever reason, I am always thinking lately. I celebrated my birthday yesterday. To be honest, it wasn't that great. With all the stress right now it's pretty hard to find happiness in anything right now. I mean of course I am happy but as with anyone, we all have our downs. On days like this where I have nothing to do because no one has time, those are the days that lead to thinking. I honestly don't get myself sometimes. I have a great family that I love and miss every day, yet I feel like I don't have a family? I have some friends that for some reason I question if they are my friends? I am single and feel like alone is the way it'll be for me? These are all things that don't add up in my head. I have a pretty good life. I have a good job, my own place in Berlin, and I like to think that I am decent looking. So why is it that I am rarely pleased with my life? I always have this feeling that I am alone and that I am slowly withering away. Let me be clear, I am not suicidal nor am I anywhere near it. I am just in a depression rut and looking for my exit. People say you have to learn to be happy with yourself before you can be happy elsewhere but why is it that no matter what I do, and I have done a lot, that I am never happy alone? I am co-dependent, I know that. For whatever my parents did, I have those issues. I have to live with them. It's just hard to find a woman to stay with me because I take things so serious. I don't want a one night stand anymore. I live in a one night stand city and that makes things complicated. I don't even know how to properly act around a woman anymore. They probably think i'm creepy, but honestly, I have no clue how to communicate with the opposite sex anymore. Since Carley left me, things have been weird. It was better for the both us and I understand but why is it that I feel like I will never find my match? I feel like I am already 30 in my head and always feel like my life is rushing by. I will never understand that side of myself. Theres this woman that I am interested in, but I am trying my best to not fuck it up. I have to debate whether or not to text her or what to respond or something along those lines. That gets exhausting after awhile! I live in a city where it's so ungodly hard to make new friends, so I have no one to go to really for help. I have select friends here but they are either working or I am and I can never meet up with them. I'm sorry if this sounds like I am ranting because I probably am. Sometimes someone just needs to right things out and vent, today that is me.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Cory
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