The Low of All Lows...

Berlin, den 17. Oktober


     This post will probably be the deepest, most emotional post I will ever write. This post is about you. You know who you are and know why I am where I am. I spent the last year of my life with you. We had our ups and downs with one another, but that comes with a relationship. So as I sit here feeling depressed and alone with nowhere to go, I would just like to let you know how I feel. You would never listen to me in person when I had to express emotions so maybe now you will listen to me. I loved you and still do love you. You changed me. Made me into a better person, a stronger person, a lover and a fighter. You taught me that one should never give up on what they want because where there is a will there is always a way. I do not hate you, nor am I mad at you. I am simply disappointed. I am disappointed to see us leave. I had so many plans for us: I wanted a family with you, I wanted to make you my wife, I wanted to see the world with you, and there are so so many more. Now it is all too late because you have decided leaving is better than staying. Your happiness is all that matters to me so if you are happy without me then so be it. It hurts me to know that I will come home to a home that I cannot even call my home anymore. Why? Because I spent the last year of my life laying in bed, cuddling and watching movies with you, cooking dinner with you, making love to you, and even fighting with you. Our home became a place of sanction for me. I knew that whenever I came home there was a piece of you there waiting for me, but now that is all gone. I will come home and lay in a bed that was once ours. I will brush my teeth in a mirror that was once ours. I will do the laundry that was once ours. I know your mind is made, but this is my final cry, for after this time tomorrow we will no longer be a couple. We will have decided who gets what and where we go from here. This kills me even typing this because you are all I want. Do you know what it is like to love someone more than anything else on this earth? Do you know what it feels like to come home and call someones name and not get a response? Do you know what it feels like knowing that the only thing that makes you happy is being ripped right from your hands? The thing is, you don't. You have never experience pain like I am right now. You are not heartbroken like me, because you spent the last months sitting on the fence gazing on both sides of being in a relationship and being single. This is no surprise to you because this has been in your mind, but for me, this is a catastrophic happening. I fought and fought and fought for you. I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for you. Just for me to sit here right now and have no choice but to accept failure, to accept that my love was just not good enough. In all honesty, I am fucked. I made the mistake of planning my life around you and now that you are no longer there I am fucked. I have no money to live anymore, 60€ a month. I have to go to the same work with you and try to fake my happiness. I have to see the same friends as you. No matter what I do, you were a part of my decisions and now I screwed up. Chances are I have to move back to America, not because I want to but because I have no options. My life couldn't be any worse right now. This is the low of all lows for me. I thought I knew what love is but until you told me today that you were happier without me and decided we were better off apart, that is when I realized what love is. That is when it hit me that a piece of me will always be missing now. The thing is, you spent the last year being indecisive, not just with me, with your life. You refused to open up and communicate with anyone with the problems you are facing. You refused to accept that maybe just maybe I was right in something. You refused to open up your heart and let me show you everything I could do for you. Now I was far from perfect and did about everything wrong in the beginning of this, but I fought for change and succeeded, but does that even matter anymore? Does the fact that I changed everything about me that you made me realize was wrong matter? The fact that I went to all ends of the world to make sure I did exactly what you wanted and needed? Sit back and think about that because I can promise you there will be no man on this earth that will love you like I can. Sure that sounds cocky or whatever, but it's not. It is a cold hard fact because I fought so long for you, just for you to always leave me on the sideline because you could never decide if I was right for you. I loved you like a mother loves her newborn, and still do. So please think before you come tomorrow. Please make some last minute thoughts and make sure that this is truly what YOU want. Do not end up down the road realizing that you made a mistake and want me to take you back because quite honestly, i'm not sure I could take you back. Now for anyone who decides to read this, let me just inform you on some things. I love her and only here. Even if this sounds horrible, I am not mad at her nor do I hate her. I will always love her and have a very special place for her in my heart. She is an amazing beautiful woman that has helped me in so many ways. I am forever grateful for the gift of being able to spend this year with her. As for you, you know who you are, make sure this is what you truly want. That is my very last and final plead.

mit freundlichen Grüßen,

Cory