This amazingly complex thing called a ,,Woman''

Berlin, den 29. Oktober

Guten Tag Leute,

Today I have had a lot of down time which means a lot of thinking. I couldn't come up with an answer so I figured I would write here and see what other people have to say. I have been in my fair share of relationships. I have lied, cheated, and used my way through women, but I have also devoted my entire heart to some women that were lucky enough to get me to open up. So you could say I have played on both sides of the field. I have done the hurting and I have felt the hurt. What tends to baffle me is the patters that women see to work in. As far as I can remember, I always got more ,,love'' from the woman I mistreated than the woman I actually cared for and was there for. Something there doesn't add up to me. Shouldn't the man who devotes his life to making his woman smile be the one who gets the better treatment instead of the man who neglects? I mean, in my eyes it should be that way. Now that I have tried being a better person and doing things the right way I have gotten nothing but trampled over and hurt. Sometimes I consider going back to my old ways. I decided I wanted to be a genuine guy and look for something serious rather than some one-night stands, but it seems to be that I had more luck with finding a woman who cares by using them than actually be a gentleman. I do not understand how that works, nor can I come even close to grasping how women think. I have always been told by my father ,,never try to understand the mind of a woman, you'll only hurt yourself trying'' and man does that statement live true. I sometimes don't even know how to act around a woman anymore because I have simply been hurt so much in the past two years for reasons I cannot even explain. I mean I am by no means perfect and I know I have flaws but why is it that I cannot be accepted for who I am and loved by someone? I don't feel like that is much to ask, is it? I guess time will tell. I just hope something works in my favor soon because no matter what I do, I cannot sleep alone and not wake up 20x a night. Trust me, I have tried everything from herbal supplements to doctors to self-help remedies. Nothing works, but magically when I have someone sleep over I can peacefully rest. I spent last night at a friends house for the first time in ages and I personally hate sleeping in someone elses bed but I knew that I would be more comfortable there than in my own bed. All because of my past relationships and me being used to someone being there. I'm a fucked up person, a really fucked up person. I just would like to know when someone will take the time to help me fix myself?

mit freundlichen Grüßen,
    Cory